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👋🏻 Hi, it's Michael. Welcome to this week's useletter
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A newsletter that's useful. Focussing on your future not my past.
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Note: by way of explanation, this is a more personal post. If you just want to get to the useful bit and my insights on negotiation, skip ahead to the next section.
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Families are hard, right?
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In the same way that life is hard.
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Navigating humans, their needs, emotions and bias’s.
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Doing it with empathy and generosity.
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I’ve been separated from my daughter’s mother for over 5 years.
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It was an amicable separation. And for the most part we’ve navigated the whole thing pretty well. Not perfectly but relatively well. Managing all the things that parenting throws up and negotiating each other’s wants and needs as best we can.
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Our daughter is thriving and seemingly unaffected navigating a potentially unsettling situation. We’re both super proud of her. She’s an incredible human, curious, compassionate and fully engaged in the joy of life. Which is the most important thing.
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Through changing circumstances, we’re in the middle of working out how to do things differently. Fair to say over the last few years we’ve had moments of frustration with each other. We’ve not always being our best selves and it’s built in a little more friction into our conversations. I’d be the first to stick up my hand and let my emotions get in the way of being more generous in our negotiations.
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The point here, negotiations are tricky, especially when trying to ensure they don’t lead to a deterioration in relationships. I’ve been thinking on it a lot.
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Our default position is to ‘win’ the argument, or the negotiation in particular. But that shouldn't be the objective. The objective should be to come up with a sustainable solution, so that both parties leave feeling happy.
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That’s where we’re going this fortnight.
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PS: I've developed some new free resources for you and your practice. One that will save you time. Another that will help you say no. Details below.
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No losing. No winning
Throughout all parts of our life, we’ll likely need to navigate negotiations at some time or other. With our families, friends, associates, clients, colleagues or superiors.
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Being good at negotiation is an important skill. And I think most of us could probably benefit from getting better at it.
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Our tendency is to focus on getting what we want when negotiating. Going into negotiations solely focussed on the outcome for ourselves. Fixated on the arguments that get us closer to our own goal (’winning’). Meanwhile the person we’re negotiating with is equally focused on their goal.
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It can build resentment. Diminishing any good will there might have been at the start.
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It’s better to try to do things differently.
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Instead of trying to go for the personal win, which often comes at an expense, why not try to find the space for both to win?
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Begin by thinking about how both parties might show up for each other.
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Here’s some good reasons for why this approach is better:
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- A win for both parties can create a stronger, more positive relationship. Working more collaboratively, with an emphasis on mutual understanding and respect.
- Finding a way for both parties to achieve their goals can lead to more creative and innovative solutions, benefitting all parties.
- When both parties feel they’ve been seen and have achieved their goals, they’ll feel more satisfied. Resulting in a more sustainable solution.
- When everyone wins, and by avoiding unnecessary conflict or competition, the outcome is likely to be more efficient and effective.
When we go into negotiation with empathy and generosity, it’s likely the outcome is going to be better.
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But it takes both parties to be working towards an outcome meeting everyone’s goal.
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What if the first thing said at the negotiating table was along the lines of:
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Instead of each individual framing their arguments to get what they want, let's all focus on finding the solution that gets us all an outcome we want.
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To be clear, I know this isn’t always possible, but it is desirable.
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Will this help you negotiate differently next time? Please, tell me more.
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PS: Whenever you’re ready,
there's 3 ways I can help.
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How to Save Time
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5 key strategies for finding more time in your practice day
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When speaking to countless architects about the challenges of practice, the singular and universal obstacle they all face is not having enough time.
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Saying No
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5 key concepts and strategies on saying no
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How many things have you said yes to in the last week or two and immediately regretted? Saying no is a skill. It requires emotional intelligence. And it can be learnt.
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Workshops to elevate your leadership
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Master a more creative model of leadership.
Build a more adaptable and efficient practice.
Unleash the collective energy, passion, and capabilities of your people
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Free 45 minute leadership clarity consultation
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recent useful blog posts...
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It might be time for the architecture profession’s leaders to starting learning form the ground up.
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There’s two main ways to stand out. Be different. or Be better. Copying is the route to unexceptional.
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Or…
do architects do too many of the wrong things?
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“Always remember that to argue, and win, is to break down the reality of the person you are arguing against. It is painful to lose your reality, so be kind, even if you are right.” Haruki Murakami
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