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I pay my respects and acknowledge all Traditional Custodians of Country and on whose land I live and work. I recognise their continuing connection to land, waters and culture. I pay my respects to their Elders past and present.

Hi reader

borrowing from Pema Chödrön's quote in my last useletter, I'm hoping the clouds feel like they're clearing for you this week. I'm sure most of us in NSW are starting to feel a little lighter for the lifting of the lockdown and I'm hoping all of you in Victoria are starting to breath a little more freely as the lockdown starts to ease there too.

Today's useletter is inspired by our most recent session of Talking crap about architectural practice and how we might make it better, where we discussed the regularly combative nature of communications in architecture practice. If you'd like to read some more about it you'll find my post here, as well as below in recent useful blog posts. I finished the post [spoiler alert] with this observation and question,

Sometimes this is not about how you communicate. It's about listening. How might architects get better at listening?

I thought it a thread worth pulling on this week.

I got you

Michael

on listening

The first thing to acknowledge is that you're not going to get better at listening by reading this. Listening is hard. It's a skill. Therefore you can learn it, practice it and get better at it. I'll stick my hand up and admit that I could be a much much better listener. I'm practicing.

Listening is arguably the most important skills for an architect and a human.

Some time ago I came across this quote by documentary filmmaker Valarie Kaur. It's long but it says almost all you need to hear,

“Deep listening is an act of surrender. We risk being changed by what we hear.

When I really want to hear another person’s story, I try to leave my preconceptions at the door and draw close to their telling. I am always partially listening to the thoughts in my own head when others are speaking, so I consciously quiet my thoughts and begin to listen with my senses.

Empathy is cognitive and emotional—to inhabit another person’s view of the world is to feel the world with them. But I also know that it’s okay if I don’t feel very much for them at all. I just need to feel safe enough to stay curious.

The most critical part of listening is asking what is at stake for the other person. I try to understand what matters to them, not what I think matters. Sometimes I start to lose myself in their story. As soon as I notice feeling unmoored, I try to pull myself back into my body, like returning home. As Hannah Arendt says, ‘One trains one’s imagination to go visiting.’ When the story is done, we must return to our skin, our own worldview, and notice how we have been changed by our visit.”

_____

To listen to someone, you must make the effort to understand what they're saying. To understand, you will need to remain silent, only speaking up to ask questions or clarify what has been said. Questions should come from a place of curiosity and generosity, not combativeness. What if you were to take an empathetic posture and imagine that they're right? Trying to understand why they might be right. You don't have to agree.

When they've finished speaking, try reflecting back or paraphrasing what they've said. This shows you've listened and understood. It's not agreement, it shows they've been heard. Occasionally when someone hears back their own position they might also recognise flaws in their position but not necessarily. At the very least, once you have done the courtesy to listen to someone, they may do the same for you.

Combat happens when neither party makes an effort to understand the other. They wield the weapons of their opinion, idea or argument in a hope of the other yielding. Listening happens when weapons are downed and instead both are open to understanding and being struck by the other's position. While combat requires a minimum of two people, listening can start with one person. Start.

My challenge for you over the next fortnight is to take some time to practice your listening skills. Please let me know how you go.

You got this.

PS Bonus: just after I finished writing this I discovered one of my favourite podcasters, Hrishikesh Hirway from Song Exploder (highly recommended), had just done a TED Talk on... you guessed it... listening. It's beautiful and well worth 15 minutes of your time. What you discover when you really listen.